Something MK Craves

DAY 8: Something I Crave

I crave playing soccer. Let me clarify - I crave playing soccer well.

Craving to me usually creates images of ice cream or affection or attention. But when I truly thought about it I realized I don't just miss playing soccer -- I crave it.

I started playing soccer in the fall of 1978 on the Honey Bears. From that time until we moved to Kansas City almost every Saturday in the spring and fall required a trip out to Indian Springs Sports Complex. It was next to the Arkansas river and made for some cold games. But even today on sunny days that are just on the side of cool with some humidity in the air make me thing -- perfect soccer weather.

I played during college and grad school and even joined a team when I moved to the metroplex. At one point here in the Metroplex, I was playing on four teams at one time - one outdoor competitive, one indoor competitive, one indoor over 30 non-competitive, and an indoor co-ed competitive.

When I got pregnant with Zachary, I played until I was four months along and then took a hiatus. I didn't know that would be the beginning of the end of my nearly 30 years of playing soccer. I went back to soccer nearly a year after Z was born and I sucked so very very bad.

I must back up a little bit to add this information. While I played soccer for many MANY years and had some very amazing coaches, I never have possessed the natural ability of some of my teammates. I always justified it that what I lack in skill I make up for in passion. So while I could hold my own on the field, I was not the player that drew all the attention and I was fine with it.

So back to the "I sucked" comment -- I mean I REALLY sucked. In my brain, I knew what to do but the time it took for the command to travel from my brain to my foot was so long that I would miss the ball or not turn quick enough. It was mentally and emotionally painful. To be sooo bad at something I loved so much was too much to handle. I quit for good at the end of the season. I haven't played since.

Chad has asked about me going back and has gently encouraged me to find a team. And I miss it!! I CRAVE it but I don't want to go back and not connect with the ball or make stupid mistakes just because my body is not listening quick enough. Did I give up too soon? I think Chad believes so but I also don't think people understand how humiliating it is fall on your face at something you are so passionate about with no real hope of ever being where you were. Leave them as the glory days and not pull a Brett Favre.

But I have to say that I really do crave it. I want the high of playing. I think the longing is stronger these day with Zachary playing. He has a coach doing real drills and teaching real skills. I love going to the field on Saturdays and I am acutely aware of how much I miss playing.

Will I ever go back? Satisfy that craving? If Z keeps playing, I may find myself testing the waters but if he decides not to play I may continue to live in denial and deprivation. That is until Rylee is old enough to play.