What is Your Definition of Humility?

Taken from reflections of Henri J.M. Nouwen:

When we say, "If people really knew me, they wouldn't love me," we choose the road toward darkness. Often we are made to believe that self-deprecation is a virtue, called humility.

But humility is in reality the opposite of self-deprecation. It is the grateful recognition that we are precious in God's eyes and that all we are is pure gift. To grow beyond self-rejection we must have the courage to listen to the voice calling us God's beloved sons and daughters, and the determination always to live our lives according to this truth.

Think I can teach my kids the REAL definition of humility? Probably not until I change the definition in my brain and in my heart...will not be an easy task. You would think the motivation to change would come from keeping my kids from the heartache of self-deprication and self-loathing but it doesn't seem that simple from where I am.

Kiddos - listen to what your mom says not what she does...wish it worked that way.

I am sure I am the only one that finds this funny but sharing anyway

We have had the flu in our house this week – Rylee got it Saturday, Zachary got it Monday, and Chad got it Wednesday. So Chad is the latest in quarantine because I can not get sick – I leave this weekend for a week for work.

At bedtime last night, I gather the kids at the foot of our bed and tell the kids:

“Wave, blow kisses, and say goodnight to Daddy from afar.”

Zachary turns to me, scrunches his faces and says “Why did you say that?? A Farr? He’s not a Farr – Emily and Stacie are Farrs. He is a Martin.”

It's the Thought that Counts

I realize I am so hard on my kids – especially Zachary.

And when you read this Zachary please know that I love you more than any number you can count and I constantly fight internal battles to try to figure out what is the right thing to say or do. I worry about pushing too hard or not pushing enough. I worry do you have enough friends. Are you happy? What is the balance between spoiling you and surprising you? I constantly constantly worry – I just want you to be happy, healthy, and self confident.

But I am a yeller – how can you have a self confident kid if you yell at them? How did that happen? My dad used to straighten me out with the tone of his voice and I find I do that. I SUCK at patience. I can be patient all day long with a stranger but if Z happens to whine about not getting chocolate milk I get all nasty and ugly. How can I love him so much and not be patient??? I am thinking that is a therapy topic for another blog.

ANYWAY this self-deprecating rant or as Chad calls it my “martyr-woe-is-me” tirade is leading me to another touchy topic for me. The etiquette of gift receiving. Chad’s mom MiMi and my mom Gramma are both very generous to our children. They bring gifts with each visit and holiday/birthday times there are mounds of gifts. I learned as a child of a very generous grandma that this is the grandparents’ right and privilege to dote and spoil the grandchildren. I do not mess with this tradition.

I do however take issue with my children’s response to these gifts. I do not want there to be the expectation they get a prizey (what MiMi calls these gifts) with every visit nor do I want any pouting if the prizey is not what they expect.

I had two situations recently:

Situation 1:
MiMi came for a quick visit and brought Zachary a copy of Toy Story 3. Zachary sat on the couch and actually whimpered and pouted. He told her he didn’t want Toy Story 3. I was irritated. I told Z that he needed to thank MiMi for thinking of him. He said quite loudly in response “I don’t want that movie.” So there in front of MiMi, he and I are arguing. I am trying to explain the difference between liking the gift and thanking for the thoughtfulness.

MiMi then says to me in front of Z, “don’t tell him to say he likes something that he doesn’t.” I feel the redness all over my face and body – the prickly heat kind of redness - and now I am beyond frustrated. I then try to explain to MiMi the difference between liking the gift and saying thank you for the thoughtfulness.

I turn to Z and tell him that if he is going to pout like that I do not want to see it and he can finish pouting in his room. He gets up to leave and MiMi grabs him and whispers in his ear. All of the sudden Z is happy and says that he is ok and will stay downstairs.

MiMi tells me that she can not have Zachary so upset and has told him that she will take him shopping later for something else that he wants. So she let him pick out anything from Target – he selected Beyblades – and came back the happiest child on Earth. Not sure if he said a sincere thank you either.

Situation 2:
Two weeks later, Gramma came for Thanksgiving and brought Z a Phineas and Ferb shirt. Zachary once again pouted and said “I don’t like Phineas and Ferb” and handed it back to Gramma. My mom came downstairs and said “I should have called an asked what he was into these days. Last time it was Phineas and Ferb.” So now my mom feels bad that the gift she brought for no reason other than love of her grandson has been rejected. PS – he wore that shirt the next week went he went and had his picture taken with Santa.

Solution:
?????????? No clue. I have sat down and talked with Z about while not liking a gift is fine you still say THANK YOU for the thoughtfulness. There should be no pouting, whining, or whimpering when receiving a gift. I have reacted negatively in the moment when he does these things but I have also at a calmer time talked to him.

I do not want to have Zachary live a life of gifts he does not like. But absolutely do not want to have a child that does not understand thoughtfulness and generosity.

I get it – he is almost six – so of course as he matures hopefully he will understand better but at the same time he is almost SIX. Shouldn’t there be some sort of recognition of thanking for the thought? Or am I expecting too much?

We did have a chat before Christmas Chad’s grandmother – G-Nanny – spent the holidays with us and I knew she would be so very upset if the kids do not like her gifts. I walked through it all again:

* People do not have to give you gifts
* People spend time and thoughts about you
* Everyone should try and be grateful that there are loved ones in our lives that want to give us presents

During the present opening, he responded to each gift with “Oh my goodness!” which tickled MiMi and G-Nanny and thrilled me. He loved G-Nanny’s gifts so there was no issue there.

I thought I had made such progress and then he asks – “Why didn’t Uncle Larry give me a gift? We gave his kids gifts – they should have given me one.” Sigh.

I read on some parenting site – don’t constantly correct children – don’t tell them to say please and thank – simply model the behavior you want them to demonstrate and they will. When?? When do they demonstrate this behavior???

Then I remembered that I yell. Oops. Not a behavior I want to pass along.

Can we pick and choose which of our behaviors our children imitate? I didn’t think so.

Did I mention all I want are happy, healthy, self confident, and polite children?

Mom Gets Khaki

Zachary’s obsession with Star Wars continues and he has downloaded every possible G-rated Star Wars game to “his” iPhone (please note we did not buy our 5 year old son an iPhone – it is Chad’s old phone that Z plays games on). One of these games borrows a line from the New Hope movie – Han Solo tells Luke – “nice shot kid – now don’t get cocky.” For some reason, Z is convinced that Han Solo is saying khaki.

I have tried to correct him but now he says pants are cocky and Luke is khaki. ANYWAY – we were having the same discussion about cocky vs. khaki and Z says – “now what do you say cocky means?”

I try to tell my kindergartener that cocky is arrogant (because he knows that word??) or a know-it-all. Zachary then says that Amare (a kid in his class) is a know-it-all and that he is Ms. K’s jet.

I try to clarify with Zachary – “do you mean pet? Is he Ms. K’s pet?”

Looking at me like I am crazy, Zachary say “No Mom I said jet.”

Because I feel the need to push the issue, I respond “you mean pet with a p right? A teacher’s pet?”

Frustrated with me, Zachary gets up to leave and says “No mom jet with a j not a p but a j.” And he turns his back to me and starts walking out, slowly turns around, shakes his head and says “besides, Ms. K likes cats.”