More &!@* My Five Year Old Says

These are three phrases Z has uttered recently:

1. “There sure are a lot of hos on the moon.”
2. “The scariest thing EVER on earth is Mommies!”
3. “Does Dad go party in the middle of the night?”

These three statements made me laugh out loud (he doesn’t like when I do that) and have to dig for clarification. While I feel compelled to explain the context of each comment, I feel it really takes the magic out of them. So if you want to just have the giggle – go back and read them again and stop after #3. If you are looking for the story behind them, keep reading but I warn you they are not as funny with the explanation.

1. Zachary has quite a fascination with space – he can name all of the planets (acknowledges Pluto but he does clarify it is actually a dwarf planet), he know comets, and galaxies, on and on. He has a very cool space book with fold out pages and real pictures. During dinner, Z was “learning” us about space and throws out the statement “There sure are a lot of hos on the moon”. I make my confused face – “Hos? On the moon?” He says “Yes, my book has pictures. There are hos everywhere!” In my mind I am picturing cheap prostitutes leaning on moon rocks, smoking cigarettes and wearing clear platform heels. I am visualizing thousands chatting amongst themselves and I laugh VERY loudly at my own twisted vision. Zachary calls me out of my reverie and asking what is so funny. I told him I wasn’t sure what he meant by hos on the moon and he gets his book to show me the craters on the moon. Indeed there sure are a lot of HOLES on the moon.

2. This next moment happened in the car coming from school turning from Preston onto Gaylord – the location is not relevant in the least it is just that for some reason I remember exactly where I was when this conversation took place. We were talking about things that are scary – spiders, snakes, places where there are spiders and snakes. (side note: he recently has quite a fear of spiders and snakes) He then asks me “Do you know what the most scariest thing is? More scarier than snakes and spiders?” I tell him I have no idea and he informs me “The scariest thing EVER on earth is Mommies!” I absolutely snort with laughter – and say “Yes Z, some times we Mommies are VERY scary.” His response was “I know! I know! Especially the ones with white tape.” I stopped laughing. Do what???? White tape? Hindsight is 20/20 and I realize now it was obvious but it took me a couple of minutes to catch on to what he meant. Light bulb goes off as we wait at a red light – “oh honey you mean MUMMIES!” I giggle. And he gives me that “duh” look and says just like a kid from The Goonies “That’s what I said – Mommies”.

3. We recently were on vacation in South Padre island staying in a condo owned by Chad’s company. We were getting ready one morning and Z comes in to the bathroom and asks me “Does Dad go party in the middle of the night?” Followed by my laughter. Again with my soooo wrong visions – Chad sneaking out in the middle of the night to go party with the teenagers on the beach or go drink beer by the pool with the bachelor party boys also staying in the complex. I tell him no that Daddy does not go party at night. He then says “well are you partying in the middle of the night?” I tell him I am way too tired to party at night. He then says more to himself “I wonder who is partying in the middle of the night?” I am trying to think of what is he hearing that makes him think there is a party or that we are go to a party in the middle of the night. Only one night was there lots of noise coming from the pool until about 1:00 am. As Zachary wraps up his getting ready process, going to the bathroom, washing hands, etc, he turns to me with much more seriousness than a five year old should have and said “Mom, we need to figure out who is partying at night.” I ask why and if they are disturbing him. He gives me that look that indicates he thinks I am totally crazy and says “No, but we need to tell them to flush because it is gross to leave it sitting in there.”

I love the &!@* Zachary says.

&!@* My Five Year Old Says

As I buckled Z in his car seat after school yesterday, a small sliver of gold shiny-ness in his nose caught my attention. I mentioned to Zachary that he had something in his nose and he responded:

"Yeah -- it's glitter. From the duck."