It's an odd gathering of sorts. Family, friends; all wanting to say the last goodbye. Not yesterday; only today's will do. We are all waiting on pins and needles. When will it happen? If I step out, will I miss it? Do I need to be here for it? Do I want to be here for it?
Periods of great sadness, then fond memories, then laughter, then sadness of the lost opportunity for new memories.
Everyone reacts differently. Mom is strong and then weepy. Jerry finds it hard to continually fill the voids. Troy looks bewildered and tired. Dad has nothing to solve. Corrie is strong and nostalgic. And I'm wishy washy to the point of total disarray. No logical thought will get us out of this one.
After rushing to the hospice this morning because of imminent death, we find ourselves all milling about. we couldn't stand to be away from her bedside before; all holding her hand. Now that the nurse's estimate has lapsed, people are confused. We all strangley have a sense of guilt for not having the patience to wait for the end. No one wants the end, however no one likes limbo either. For a group of type A problem solvers, this is hellacious. Theres nothing to solve. Nothing to fix. Nothing to cure.
Just the wait.
I will always remember her smile when I walked in a couple of days ago. The recognition that spread across her face. It is now alright. The love I have for you is still intact.
But not today. Today, it is locked away in a coma. I know it still exists; but it hurts not to see it anymore.
The hardest prayer to make is the one to ask for final resting peace. Sometimes I now wonder who it is more for- the release of the dying; or relief of the family. Too bad it doesn't relieve the guilt of wanting to leave...
[written while sitting in Nanny's hospice room all new year's eve. I finally gave out; and left for the evening so that I could spend time with the kids. Mom and Corrie remained to stay the night. In true style, Nanny left this world just as all the firecrackers were finishing their splendor on new year's morning. Mom and Cor had just finished singing Auld lang's syne at her bedside.]
Friday, January 27, 2012
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
It didn't smell!
QPM #4,692: Pulling yesterday's dry pull-up out of the trash and letting little girl re-wear it because I forgot to go to the grocery store to buy a new pack.
Why on earth is my portrait not hanging in the Parental Hall of Fame?
Why on earth is my portrait not hanging in the Parental Hall of Fame?
Friday, October 7, 2011
A Love Song, Definitely
I've beaten the musical horse with my ramblings of how music plays into my life -- sending me back lost into memories or stirring my desire for a spring time road trip in a car with the top down. This morning as I am a mere 48 hrs from leaving for the project I work all year for I show up to work before the crick crack of dawn to wrap up all of my teeny tiny details and find that the network drives are not accessible. F*** me!!! to quote Stu. Really...
I am worn thin by long hours, lack of sleep, way too much caffenine, no time, and stress oozing out my pores. My radio station is irriating me to the point of being irrational - my iTunes is not satisfying me yet some how a song finds me...
The first time I hear this song I am saddened...it feels sad. But is that my mood determining the music?
I looked up the lyrics. Its a beautiful love song. Seems to be the only thing I am interested in hearing today.
So I get to choose -- sad music or love song? For me a metaphor for my state of mind.
For Chad --- it is Matthew's Song....
Eric's Song by Vienna Teng on YouTube
Lyrics:
Strange how you know inside me
I measure the time and I stand amazed
Strange how I know inside you
My hand is outstretched toward the damp of the haze
And of course I forgive
I've seen how you live
Like a phoenix you rise from the ashes
You pick up the pieces
And the ghosts in the attic
They never quite leave
And of course I forgive
You've seen how I live
I've got darkness and fears to appease
My voices and analogies
Ambitions like ribbons
Worn bright on my sleeve
Strange how we know each other
Strange how I fit into you
There's a distance erased with the greatest of ease
Strange how you fit into me
A gentle warmth filling the deepest of needs
And with each passing day
The stories we say
Draw us tighter into our addiction
Confirm our conviction
That some kind of miracle
Passed on our heads
And how I am sure
Like never before
Of my reasons for defying reason
Embracing the seasons
We dance through the colors
Both followed and led
Strange how we fit each other
Strange how certain the journey
Time unfolds the petals
For our eyes to see
Strange how this journey's hurting
In ways we accept as part of fate's decree
So we just hold on fast
Acknowledge the past
As lessons exquisitely crafted
Painstakingly drafted
To carve us as instruments
That play the music of life
For we don't realize
Our faith in the prize
Unless it's been somehow elusive
How swiftly we choose it
The sacred simplicity
Of you at my side
I am worn thin by long hours, lack of sleep, way too much caffenine, no time, and stress oozing out my pores. My radio station is irriating me to the point of being irrational - my iTunes is not satisfying me yet some how a song finds me...
The first time I hear this song I am saddened...it feels sad. But is that my mood determining the music?
I looked up the lyrics. Its a beautiful love song. Seems to be the only thing I am interested in hearing today.
So I get to choose -- sad music or love song? For me a metaphor for my state of mind.
For Chad --- it is Matthew's Song....
Eric's Song by Vienna Teng on YouTube
Lyrics:
Strange how you know inside me
I measure the time and I stand amazed
Strange how I know inside you
My hand is outstretched toward the damp of the haze
And of course I forgive
I've seen how you live
Like a phoenix you rise from the ashes
You pick up the pieces
And the ghosts in the attic
They never quite leave
And of course I forgive
You've seen how I live
I've got darkness and fears to appease
My voices and analogies
Ambitions like ribbons
Worn bright on my sleeve
Strange how we know each other
Strange how I fit into you
There's a distance erased with the greatest of ease
Strange how you fit into me
A gentle warmth filling the deepest of needs
And with each passing day
The stories we say
Draw us tighter into our addiction
Confirm our conviction
That some kind of miracle
Passed on our heads
And how I am sure
Like never before
Of my reasons for defying reason
Embracing the seasons
We dance through the colors
Both followed and led
Strange how we fit each other
Strange how certain the journey
Time unfolds the petals
For our eyes to see
Strange how this journey's hurting
In ways we accept as part of fate's decree
So we just hold on fast
Acknowledge the past
As lessons exquisitely crafted
Painstakingly drafted
To carve us as instruments
That play the music of life
For we don't realize
Our faith in the prize
Unless it's been somehow elusive
How swiftly we choose it
The sacred simplicity
Of you at my side
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
A Children's Story
One of the twists of having children is the unexpected moments they bring to our lives -- those times where I really don't think my brain can churn an answer fast enough or accurate enough or parental enough. These moments always occur when my guard is down.
Zachary had checked out a book from the library -- it was a Star Wars book - yes he is the definition of obsessed. It was divided into three stories in one book so we were reading a story a night at bedtime. On this particular night, the story was about a battle between the Jedi and Clones versus the Battle Droids and how the Battle Droids thought their ambush would destroy the Jedi but the Jedi outsmarted them, etc etc.
A very tiny little subplot -- not even two pages worth of story - was about the Jedi trying to evacuate the civilians to a safe location. There were lines of people waiting to get on the transport however all of these people had all of their possessions with them. The Jedi then had to make a tough call and told all the civilians that only people were getting on the transport and they would have to leave all of their things behind.
There were protests -- "my mother's china - my grandpa's picture -- they have to come --I will NOT leave them." One guy hid all his stuff under a coat trying to smuggle it on board. But the Jedi drew the line -- people only. Then one farmer tried to bring his elephant dog thing on the transport but the Jedi said no. The farmer said that this elephant dog thing was like family and he could not leave it behind. The Jedi said to the farmer then you pick three of your neighbors to stay behind so that your elephant dog can get on the transport. The farmer looks at the people and then kisses his elephant dog thing and says to it -- Run to the desert and when the battle is over I will come find you and bring you home. The elephant dog cried and then ran away.
Again I must state this whole scene was two pages out of 30.
After Z's story, Rylee picked hers - Llama Llama series or Go Dog Go -- something of that nature. We then followed our usual bed time process. Lights out - prayers - kisses - take Rylee to bed then come back to tickle Z's back for a few minutes and then night night.
When I returned to Z's room to tickle his back, he rolled over and had those giant-only-a-kid-can-make tears rolling down his eyes. I was so startled. He wasn't sobbing -- just eyes full of tears and they were leaving shiny streaks on his cheeks. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he was so sad for the farmer to leave his pet. He said he just didn't understand why the elephant dog had to stay because it might die in the battle.
The value of Human life versus Animal Life actually Pet Life - Oh my. I am so over my head -- I try to pause to form my words correctly but I don't even know what words to try.
I attempt to explain that while pets are very important and very loved in this situation we have to save the people before the pets. Trying to put it in a little perspective I pose the example if we had to pick between the elephant dog and Rylee we would pick Rylee - right? Silence. I restate - we can't leave your sister and take the pet - right? More silence. It is kind of funny from a sibling rivalry point of view but at the time I was grasping at anything to help my son understand and say “Zachary - we can’t leave Rylee!”
I try the distraction technique -- "Don't worry Zachary when the battle was over the farmer came back and found his elephant dog and they lived together on the farm. It was a hard choice for the farmer but it worked out fine."
Z responds - "but Mom what if the battle droids had won and the pet had died because the farmer chose to leave him."
Now I have giant tears. I am so full of love for my sensitive caring loving boy but I am frustrated that I cannot adequately explain the situation.
So I just push forward with the truth. I tell him that if the pet had died the farmer would have been so very sad. That it would have been so hard for the farmer and he would miss his elephant dog. That the farmer may have even gotten angry with the Jedi for making him leave that family pet behind. But after time, the farmer would know that while his beloved pet died, a family was able to keep three of their loved people.
He still had the tears streaming and he kind of nodded and rolled over. He sniffed and said “You’re right. We can’t leave Rylee but I am still sad.”
I lay down next to him and tickled his back and said “I know you are baby.”
From Star Wars bed time story to a discussion on the value of life…I am a seriously underprepared parent of a beautifully compassionate boy.
Zachary had checked out a book from the library -- it was a Star Wars book - yes he is the definition of obsessed. It was divided into three stories in one book so we were reading a story a night at bedtime. On this particular night, the story was about a battle between the Jedi and Clones versus the Battle Droids and how the Battle Droids thought their ambush would destroy the Jedi but the Jedi outsmarted them, etc etc.
A very tiny little subplot -- not even two pages worth of story - was about the Jedi trying to evacuate the civilians to a safe location. There were lines of people waiting to get on the transport however all of these people had all of their possessions with them. The Jedi then had to make a tough call and told all the civilians that only people were getting on the transport and they would have to leave all of their things behind.
There were protests -- "my mother's china - my grandpa's picture -- they have to come --I will NOT leave them." One guy hid all his stuff under a coat trying to smuggle it on board. But the Jedi drew the line -- people only. Then one farmer tried to bring his elephant dog thing on the transport but the Jedi said no. The farmer said that this elephant dog thing was like family and he could not leave it behind. The Jedi said to the farmer then you pick three of your neighbors to stay behind so that your elephant dog can get on the transport. The farmer looks at the people and then kisses his elephant dog thing and says to it -- Run to the desert and when the battle is over I will come find you and bring you home. The elephant dog cried and then ran away.
Again I must state this whole scene was two pages out of 30.
After Z's story, Rylee picked hers - Llama Llama series or Go Dog Go -- something of that nature. We then followed our usual bed time process. Lights out - prayers - kisses - take Rylee to bed then come back to tickle Z's back for a few minutes and then night night.
When I returned to Z's room to tickle his back, he rolled over and had those giant-only-a-kid-can-make tears rolling down his eyes. I was so startled. He wasn't sobbing -- just eyes full of tears and they were leaving shiny streaks on his cheeks. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he was so sad for the farmer to leave his pet. He said he just didn't understand why the elephant dog had to stay because it might die in the battle.
The value of Human life versus Animal Life actually Pet Life - Oh my. I am so over my head -- I try to pause to form my words correctly but I don't even know what words to try.
I attempt to explain that while pets are very important and very loved in this situation we have to save the people before the pets. Trying to put it in a little perspective I pose the example if we had to pick between the elephant dog and Rylee we would pick Rylee - right? Silence. I restate - we can't leave your sister and take the pet - right? More silence. It is kind of funny from a sibling rivalry point of view but at the time I was grasping at anything to help my son understand and say “Zachary - we can’t leave Rylee!”
I try the distraction technique -- "Don't worry Zachary when the battle was over the farmer came back and found his elephant dog and they lived together on the farm. It was a hard choice for the farmer but it worked out fine."
Z responds - "but Mom what if the battle droids had won and the pet had died because the farmer chose to leave him."
Now I have giant tears. I am so full of love for my sensitive caring loving boy but I am frustrated that I cannot adequately explain the situation.
So I just push forward with the truth. I tell him that if the pet had died the farmer would have been so very sad. That it would have been so hard for the farmer and he would miss his elephant dog. That the farmer may have even gotten angry with the Jedi for making him leave that family pet behind. But after time, the farmer would know that while his beloved pet died, a family was able to keep three of their loved people.
He still had the tears streaming and he kind of nodded and rolled over. He sniffed and said “You’re right. We can’t leave Rylee but I am still sad.”
I lay down next to him and tickled his back and said “I know you are baby.”
From Star Wars bed time story to a discussion on the value of life…I am a seriously underprepared parent of a beautifully compassionate boy.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
A video? Like one??? Try THREE!
Day 23: A video
Can't pick just one so....
Video 1: Z calls 911
This video is Zachary at his Safety Town field trip that I was able to chaperone. He was "volunteered" to show what it is like to make a 911 call. I wish I had video taped the screen he was looking at - it was a picture of a frying pan in huge flames. I also wish the audio was better so you could hear his answers. I was very proud of him -- he seems to have a bit of dramatic flair (say what???) and was quite a natural up there despite never having called 911 in real life. However, what makes me smile the most is the end where his classmates make room for him on the steps and he high fives his friend Cristian -- it's a goofy mom thing I guess -- proud to see your child interacting with his friends.
Can't pick just one so....
Video 1: Z calls 911
This video is Zachary at his Safety Town field trip that I was able to chaperone. He was "volunteered" to show what it is like to make a 911 call. I wish I had video taped the screen he was looking at - it was a picture of a frying pan in huge flames. I also wish the audio was better so you could hear his answers. I was very proud of him -- he seems to have a bit of dramatic flair (say what???) and was quite a natural up there despite never having called 911 in real life. However, what makes me smile the most is the end where his classmates make room for him on the steps and he high fives his friend Cristian -- it's a goofy mom thing I guess -- proud to see your child interacting with his friends.
Video 2: Ry does yardwork
Rylee is all about "I do it!" "I try" and all the stereotypical independent phrases a 2 year can say. I picked this video of her because: 1. She had to do it (but Chad wouldn't let her do it on her own for obvious reasons) and 2. She is wearing a tutu. She does everything in a tutu -- a PINK tutu. Getting her ready for school in the morning is a battle because I don't let her wear her tutus to school -- she would sleep, shower, and play in a tutu if we would let her. While annoying at times - I have to admit this pink girly tutu phase makes me smile -- she looks so darn cute!!
Video 3: Super the Batman
My favorite video of my absolutely favorite three people. I think this showcases another reason I am completely in love with Chad - he is a down in the ditches Dad. He is not afraid to get on the floor and play and be involved. Not every dad has wicked light saber battles or defends himself from two little Power Rangers wielding Nerf swords or gives horse back rides or plays freeze blanket. Z and Ry -- we are a very lucky and incredibly blessed family to have the Daddy we do!!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
A Tale of Two Kids and a Retirement Party
Tale A: My beautiful Rylee Girl
My MILs retirement party was from 2 – 4pm last Friday at her bank. We drove in that morning, got to SA in time to change and head to the bank. Knowing that 2 hrs in a bank after a long car ride and no nap have potential for total kid meltdown, Chad smartly packed books and coloring materials for entertainment.
Because the bank was still open and there were customers trying to do business, we set boundaries of where the children could and could not go. About an hour into it, Rylee decides to see if I really meant it about the no-go zone. She took off running to another part of the bank. I must also offer this piece of trivia – the majority of the bank clientele that was walking around the lobby that day averaged the age of 75. There were lots of people with walkers and canes and not prepared to have a nearly 3 year old come whizzing by.
I chased her at a fast walk and trying to use my inside voice said “Rylee you are not supposed to be on this side of the bank – please go back to MiMi’s party.” She smiled and kept running. In a little bit louder of a voice I say “Rylee – enough! Now! WALK back to the party.” My child then crossed her arms in front of her chest, leaned on her hip, and very sternly with plenty of attitude (and I swear she bobbed her head too!) said “No.”
I have no idea what look I gave her – honestly I was so stunned at her defiance I may have blacked out – but what ever look it was made her eyes get really big and she ran faster than I have ever seen her back over to MiMi’s party and straight to MiMi.
My MIL who was in the middle of everything was so happy that her little granddaughter who had been so very shy up to this point had come over to see her. She scooped up Ry and started introducing her around.
I am sure my face was crunched up into something very ugly and I walked up to my husband and BIL and said “Unbelievable!” I told the story, thrust out my hip in the same way she did to put more emphasis on her shocking behavior and then pointed at my daughter that had been granted asylum in her MiMi’s arms. Both Chad and Todd cracked up – they thought it was hilarious. Todd said that Kendall probably taught her that and Chad said he thought it was a smart move by our daughter to head straight to MiMi – she knew what she was doing.
We all turn to look at the little angel who smiles at the three of us , sweetly touches MiMi’s cheek, and then lays her head down on MiMi’s shoulder to nuzzle in.
Tale B: My sweet Z
Dinner after the bank retirement party is at a small west Texas town’s dive famous for its amazing chicken fried steak – Lowake’s – and it is about 25 mins from my in-laws house. We have essentially gone from the bank to the house to regroup and then out to dinner. No rest for the weary or the children.
Not to shockingly my kids are bored and want to run around the restaurant. I hate that. I don’t like them running around because they may run into a server or disturb someone eating. I get why parents allow their kids to do that and I know that Lowake’s is not known for its linen table clothes and china plates but even those eating chicken fried steak do not need to listen to and watch my kids run.
I finally breakdown and tell Zachary they can go into the bar (I know!) and “play” the video games. There is a Ms. Pac Man, a hunting game with two pistols, and a “you’ll never get anything from here” claw game. Ry could care less if she is really playing the game or it is on its looped demo. She plays with the guns, presses buttons, and watches the screen. Z wanted to play but I honestly hadn’t brought my wallet with me (guess I presumed I wasn’t paying for dinner!) so I told him he would have to pretend.
One of other kids there, he is four, had been dumping dollar after dollar in that stupid claw machine. He had his heart set on the Nemo fish – it was purple by the way – not orange and white – not judging here just observing.
During this time my BIL gave Zachary a dollar and Kendall a dollar saying that PaPa Martin gave them money. So Zachary wanted to do the claw game. UGH. Oh well, his money and his decision. He just watched Gage lose at least five dollars total trying for a stupid fish. I told Z he would have to wait his turn and that he could do what he wanted.
Gage’s mom got him 8 more quarters and I watch each quarter go in and the claw just miss the Nemo eight more times. Gage was not a happy boy especially when his mom said that it was Zachary’s turn.
Z put his first quarter in the game and went for the Nemo. And holy crap – he got the freakin Nemo. First try. I couldn’t believe it.
Zachary then takes the fake purple Nemo fish and hands it to Gage. He told Gage that he knew Gage really wanted it.
Z proceeded to give the claw machine his last three quarters with no prize for him.
The pride I felt at that moment – I just reached down and kept squeezing him over and over. Telling him what a sweet and giving boy he is and he got very bashful. I was – AM – so very proud of him.
What of these tales?
There is no real lesson here other than I think they stories highlight what stage of life my children are in. Rylee is testing her boundaries and Zachary is becoming aware of other’s feelings. And I definitely need to chill out.
My MILs retirement party was from 2 – 4pm last Friday at her bank. We drove in that morning, got to SA in time to change and head to the bank. Knowing that 2 hrs in a bank after a long car ride and no nap have potential for total kid meltdown, Chad smartly packed books and coloring materials for entertainment.
Because the bank was still open and there were customers trying to do business, we set boundaries of where the children could and could not go. About an hour into it, Rylee decides to see if I really meant it about the no-go zone. She took off running to another part of the bank. I must also offer this piece of trivia – the majority of the bank clientele that was walking around the lobby that day averaged the age of 75. There were lots of people with walkers and canes and not prepared to have a nearly 3 year old come whizzing by.
I chased her at a fast walk and trying to use my inside voice said “Rylee you are not supposed to be on this side of the bank – please go back to MiMi’s party.” She smiled and kept running. In a little bit louder of a voice I say “Rylee – enough! Now! WALK back to the party.” My child then crossed her arms in front of her chest, leaned on her hip, and very sternly with plenty of attitude (and I swear she bobbed her head too!) said “No.”
I have no idea what look I gave her – honestly I was so stunned at her defiance I may have blacked out – but what ever look it was made her eyes get really big and she ran faster than I have ever seen her back over to MiMi’s party and straight to MiMi.
My MIL who was in the middle of everything was so happy that her little granddaughter who had been so very shy up to this point had come over to see her. She scooped up Ry and started introducing her around.
I am sure my face was crunched up into something very ugly and I walked up to my husband and BIL and said “Unbelievable!” I told the story, thrust out my hip in the same way she did to put more emphasis on her shocking behavior and then pointed at my daughter that had been granted asylum in her MiMi’s arms. Both Chad and Todd cracked up – they thought it was hilarious. Todd said that Kendall probably taught her that and Chad said he thought it was a smart move by our daughter to head straight to MiMi – she knew what she was doing.
We all turn to look at the little angel who smiles at the three of us , sweetly touches MiMi’s cheek, and then lays her head down on MiMi’s shoulder to nuzzle in.
Tale B: My sweet Z
Dinner after the bank retirement party is at a small west Texas town’s dive famous for its amazing chicken fried steak – Lowake’s – and it is about 25 mins from my in-laws house. We have essentially gone from the bank to the house to regroup and then out to dinner. No rest for the weary or the children.
Not to shockingly my kids are bored and want to run around the restaurant. I hate that. I don’t like them running around because they may run into a server or disturb someone eating. I get why parents allow their kids to do that and I know that Lowake’s is not known for its linen table clothes and china plates but even those eating chicken fried steak do not need to listen to and watch my kids run.
I finally breakdown and tell Zachary they can go into the bar (I know!) and “play” the video games. There is a Ms. Pac Man, a hunting game with two pistols, and a “you’ll never get anything from here” claw game. Ry could care less if she is really playing the game or it is on its looped demo. She plays with the guns, presses buttons, and watches the screen. Z wanted to play but I honestly hadn’t brought my wallet with me (guess I presumed I wasn’t paying for dinner!) so I told him he would have to pretend.
One of other kids there, he is four, had been dumping dollar after dollar in that stupid claw machine. He had his heart set on the Nemo fish – it was purple by the way – not orange and white – not judging here just observing.
During this time my BIL gave Zachary a dollar and Kendall a dollar saying that PaPa Martin gave them money. So Zachary wanted to do the claw game. UGH. Oh well, his money and his decision. He just watched Gage lose at least five dollars total trying for a stupid fish. I told Z he would have to wait his turn and that he could do what he wanted.
Gage’s mom got him 8 more quarters and I watch each quarter go in and the claw just miss the Nemo eight more times. Gage was not a happy boy especially when his mom said that it was Zachary’s turn.
Z put his first quarter in the game and went for the Nemo. And holy crap – he got the freakin Nemo. First try. I couldn’t believe it.
Zachary then takes the fake purple Nemo fish and hands it to Gage. He told Gage that he knew Gage really wanted it.
Z proceeded to give the claw machine his last three quarters with no prize for him.
The pride I felt at that moment – I just reached down and kept squeezing him over and over. Telling him what a sweet and giving boy he is and he got very bashful. I was – AM – so very proud of him.
What of these tales?
There is no real lesson here other than I think they stories highlight what stage of life my children are in. Rylee is testing her boundaries and Zachary is becoming aware of other’s feelings. And I definitely need to chill out.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
I'm Just a Girl in the World
This blog post actually started a little while ago in my head when Chad and I loaded up the kids to go on a road trip to South Arlington (hey it is far for us!) and I got in the passenger side and he on the driver’s side. There was no talk of who was going to drive, no compromise of you drive now and I’ll drive home, we both assumed Chad would drive.
The entry further formed last night as the kids and I were in the closet under the stairs and Chad was standing about two feet outside the closet watching the TV radar. Chad had been pacing back and forth – going outside to look at clouds – getting the weather radio out – pulling out the vacuum and extra folding chairs we keep in the closet to make room for his family. He had the computer radar going, the TV on, and his iPhone radar. I on the other hand was sitting on the couch looking at a book with Z and Ry. Looking up at the weather occasionally and asking Chad if he wanted us to go in the closet. I waited for his signal and then shepherded the kids into the closet. In the closet, the kids watched a TV episode on the computer and I pondered our situation.
It seemed funny to me that I was so passive in this situation. I am not one to keep my mouth shut about my opinions or suggestions with Chad. However at this time I relied solely on his guidance – he’ll tell us when to go in and he’ll tell us when we can get out of the closet. While Chad does have a fascination with weather, I assure you his meteorological skills are not really that much more advanced than my own. So why did I rely on him to be the decision maker in this situation? I tried to let the idea of traditional sex roles pass with no stopping in my brain but it did stop and fester.
I feel the need to back track a little here to address my personal take on traditional sex roles. My parents tried to be as neutral as possible when raising me – I had my own set of Tonka Trucks and Jamey had a Mikey doll – and no dream or want was off limits based on the fact that I was female. Sports were very encouraged and college was expected as was being a self sufficient adult.
In the PC world of higher education, I was more active and vocal about my opinions on equal rights for everyone regardless of sex, origin, sexual orientation, color, or favorite ice cream flavor. I was passionate and belonged to every college diversity committee possible – Human Rights Month committee, Black History Month Committee, Women’s History Month Committee, etc. I had a different ribbon on every month.
Moving to Lubbock was a shock to my system in the sense that I found a lot more women that were more passive about their abilities and plans. Sexism seemed to be more rampant in Lubbock than Columbia. Which stunned me at the time…I was a tad self righteous but isn’t that the job of a college student? To be so sure that you are right and you can change the world into realizing that your way is the absolute best way?
My graduate thesis was born out of my love for sports and my love for equality. I was horrified that soccer was not a legitimate sport or opportunity for girls past the age of ten in the eyes of the community. That led to a year long study to find that people in Lubbock believe boys should play football and girls should not. Surprised? I didn’t think so. It is funny to me now being nearly 15 years older and how black and white I viewed things.
TANGENT ALERT: I did want to educate those of you that read this blog. Sex is objective (insert joke here!) - either/or - male or female. Gender is subjective and falls on a continuum of masculine and feminine. Your sex can be male but your gender feminine. Drives me crazy with every form I fill out that asks what gender I am when they really want to know what sex I am. OK OK – maybe in Webster’s they’ll tell you that gender and sex are interchangeable words but with a year of researching the topic I stand by my definitions and differentiations.
Fast forward to present time. I am still a firm believer in avoiding sex roles. That will not change with my son or daughter. I don’t want them to find limits in what they do or where they go based on sex. But as I ponder how I have left Chad with the decisions on what to do in this weather situation, I begin to think that I have let down my college self. I do not feel like an independent woman – I feel like I have left the safety and security of my family completely in the hands of Chad. Not that he can’t handle it – he can – but shouldn’t that be the responsibility of both of us. Not me passively waiting on instructions. Why is it Chad’s role? Is it because he is the man of the house?
What do I rely on Chad for?
- Fixing broken things – toasters, chairs, fence
- Smoke detector maintenance
- Building – IKEA stuff, kids’ swing set
- Changing high light bulbs
- Taking charge in emergency or tense situations
What does Chad rely on me for?
- What to do when the kids are sick – how much medicine, which medicine, when to go to the doctor
- Taking care of birthday cards, parties, gifts
- Calendar maintenance – appointments, school functions, social gatherings
- Kid wardrobe – purchasing new items, outfit choices
I am intrigued as to what lines these tasks were subconsciously split. What is important to know when comparing these lists that they were not discussed. Chad and I have assumed these responsibilities without even having a conversation about it. I mean there are things that I do – laundry – and that he does – pay bills, lawn care – but these are tasks we divided up over ten years ago. We actually made a list of chores and responsibilities and divvied them up. The items outlined above? It just happened.
I believe some of this task assignments are based on skill – Chad is incredibly handy and is a natural problem solver and I have a weird memory that lets dates and people stick forever in my brain (I can tell you the birthdays of my 8th grade class – very bizarre I know) and the duty simply fell to the person that handles it best.
But what about the others? I have no training in the medical field. Chad did not take one class in high risk management. Those fall suspiciously close to sex roles.
And the driving thing. That bugs me – not that I have any high need to drive because I am AOK being the passenger but the fact that I assume I am the passenger is annoying. Is it because we always take Chad’s car?
In the end does it matter? Are we setting some sort of example for my kids about sex roles? I am thinking I am setting a bad example for my kids on far worse things and I do not have the time or energy to worry about these. Or is this how it gets passed down to the next generation? Being passive.
The college idealistic egotistical savior of the world woman in me is screaming in my brain to switch it up – don’t fall into a sexist pattern – don’t teach your kids that it’s ok. But her scream is no longer a roar – more of a faint call drowned out by the mature (hee hee) happy woman’s song that found compromise to make her marriage work and her life flow. While I may have been kicked out of Gloria Steinem’s club, I still have hope for equality and fully supportive of freedom for all regardless of sex or gender.
All of this said by the woman who’s son says you can’t have a pink light saber because it is too girly and Star Wars isn’t for girls and a daughter who won’t go anywhere without a pink tutu and a hair bow. College MK never stood a chance.
The entry further formed last night as the kids and I were in the closet under the stairs and Chad was standing about two feet outside the closet watching the TV radar. Chad had been pacing back and forth – going outside to look at clouds – getting the weather radio out – pulling out the vacuum and extra folding chairs we keep in the closet to make room for his family. He had the computer radar going, the TV on, and his iPhone radar. I on the other hand was sitting on the couch looking at a book with Z and Ry. Looking up at the weather occasionally and asking Chad if he wanted us to go in the closet. I waited for his signal and then shepherded the kids into the closet. In the closet, the kids watched a TV episode on the computer and I pondered our situation.
It seemed funny to me that I was so passive in this situation. I am not one to keep my mouth shut about my opinions or suggestions with Chad. However at this time I relied solely on his guidance – he’ll tell us when to go in and he’ll tell us when we can get out of the closet. While Chad does have a fascination with weather, I assure you his meteorological skills are not really that much more advanced than my own. So why did I rely on him to be the decision maker in this situation? I tried to let the idea of traditional sex roles pass with no stopping in my brain but it did stop and fester.
I feel the need to back track a little here to address my personal take on traditional sex roles. My parents tried to be as neutral as possible when raising me – I had my own set of Tonka Trucks and Jamey had a Mikey doll – and no dream or want was off limits based on the fact that I was female. Sports were very encouraged and college was expected as was being a self sufficient adult.
In the PC world of higher education, I was more active and vocal about my opinions on equal rights for everyone regardless of sex, origin, sexual orientation, color, or favorite ice cream flavor. I was passionate and belonged to every college diversity committee possible – Human Rights Month committee, Black History Month Committee, Women’s History Month Committee, etc. I had a different ribbon on every month.
Moving to Lubbock was a shock to my system in the sense that I found a lot more women that were more passive about their abilities and plans. Sexism seemed to be more rampant in Lubbock than Columbia. Which stunned me at the time…I was a tad self righteous but isn’t that the job of a college student? To be so sure that you are right and you can change the world into realizing that your way is the absolute best way?
My graduate thesis was born out of my love for sports and my love for equality. I was horrified that soccer was not a legitimate sport or opportunity for girls past the age of ten in the eyes of the community. That led to a year long study to find that people in Lubbock believe boys should play football and girls should not. Surprised? I didn’t think so. It is funny to me now being nearly 15 years older and how black and white I viewed things.
TANGENT ALERT: I did want to educate those of you that read this blog. Sex is objective (insert joke here!) - either/or - male or female. Gender is subjective and falls on a continuum of masculine and feminine. Your sex can be male but your gender feminine. Drives me crazy with every form I fill out that asks what gender I am when they really want to know what sex I am. OK OK – maybe in Webster’s they’ll tell you that gender and sex are interchangeable words but with a year of researching the topic I stand by my definitions and differentiations.
Fast forward to present time. I am still a firm believer in avoiding sex roles. That will not change with my son or daughter. I don’t want them to find limits in what they do or where they go based on sex. But as I ponder how I have left Chad with the decisions on what to do in this weather situation, I begin to think that I have let down my college self. I do not feel like an independent woman – I feel like I have left the safety and security of my family completely in the hands of Chad. Not that he can’t handle it – he can – but shouldn’t that be the responsibility of both of us. Not me passively waiting on instructions. Why is it Chad’s role? Is it because he is the man of the house?
What do I rely on Chad for?
- Fixing broken things – toasters, chairs, fence
- Smoke detector maintenance
- Building – IKEA stuff, kids’ swing set
- Changing high light bulbs
- Taking charge in emergency or tense situations
What does Chad rely on me for?
- What to do when the kids are sick – how much medicine, which medicine, when to go to the doctor
- Taking care of birthday cards, parties, gifts
- Calendar maintenance – appointments, school functions, social gatherings
- Kid wardrobe – purchasing new items, outfit choices
I am intrigued as to what lines these tasks were subconsciously split. What is important to know when comparing these lists that they were not discussed. Chad and I have assumed these responsibilities without even having a conversation about it. I mean there are things that I do – laundry – and that he does – pay bills, lawn care – but these are tasks we divided up over ten years ago. We actually made a list of chores and responsibilities and divvied them up. The items outlined above? It just happened.
I believe some of this task assignments are based on skill – Chad is incredibly handy and is a natural problem solver and I have a weird memory that lets dates and people stick forever in my brain (I can tell you the birthdays of my 8th grade class – very bizarre I know) and the duty simply fell to the person that handles it best.
But what about the others? I have no training in the medical field. Chad did not take one class in high risk management. Those fall suspiciously close to sex roles.
And the driving thing. That bugs me – not that I have any high need to drive because I am AOK being the passenger but the fact that I assume I am the passenger is annoying. Is it because we always take Chad’s car?
In the end does it matter? Are we setting some sort of example for my kids about sex roles? I am thinking I am setting a bad example for my kids on far worse things and I do not have the time or energy to worry about these. Or is this how it gets passed down to the next generation? Being passive.
The college idealistic egotistical savior of the world woman in me is screaming in my brain to switch it up – don’t fall into a sexist pattern – don’t teach your kids that it’s ok. But her scream is no longer a roar – more of a faint call drowned out by the mature (hee hee) happy woman’s song that found compromise to make her marriage work and her life flow. While I may have been kicked out of Gloria Steinem’s club, I still have hope for equality and fully supportive of freedom for all regardless of sex or gender.
All of this said by the woman who’s son says you can’t have a pink light saber because it is too girly and Star Wars isn’t for girls and a daughter who won’t go anywhere without a pink tutu and a hair bow. College MK never stood a chance.
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