My mom told me when I was pregnant with Zachary that having a child is like having your heart walk around outside of your body. I also remember reading something like that in a Chicken Soup book somewhere along the way. I am quite sure that any parent will attest this statement is very true.
I am stunned at the emotions and feelings my children can illicit just by being them. The joy and the frustration and the wonder – anything they feel effects me. The intensity can be frightening to me.
Over the holidays, Rylee got sick. Like ugly-vomiting-if-wasn’t-sleeping-was-crying sick. At one point, probably about 2 in the morning, I just cried holding her. I love her so much and couldn’t do a thing for her but hold her and pray that the vomiting would end soon. How unfair that she can’t tell me what hurts or what makes her feel better.
This past weekend, Zachary was running a fever over 101 – he felt like he could fry an egg on his forehead. During his sleep, he was shivering, laying in a pool of his sweat, and moaning. At one point he called out for me and I ran into his room wanting to fix it.
I was amazed at how much love I could feel for my child and the helplessness that came with it.
It seems awfully ironic – the people I want to do the most for (specifically Chad, Z, and Rylee) I only have limited things I can do. I look at my kids with their beautiful eyes taking in all that is around them and I cringe at the thought of heartbreak and failures that lie ahead for them – again things I can not control. The tears they will cry from outside forces or self induced decisions and the ones that I will cry along with them scares me a little.
That I can love another so much is a gift. I love Chad with a love I know is from God – there is no way what I feel is something other than divine, holy, and spiritual but that is a blog for another day. With my children it is an awesome power and responsibility. Think Spiderman.
My friend Stephanie (Lady Steele) posted the words to In My Daughter’s Eyes by Martina McBride The wisdom of the iPhone. Although I am not familiar with the song, I was struck by the words and panicked by the pressure. What happens when they figure out I can’t fix everything, I don’t really know all the answers, and I am faking this parent thing? According to Martina, right now they look at me like a hero – strong and wise. Gulp.
There are so many things I am that I don’t want to pass on to my kids. There are so many things I want them to believe and have passion for that aren’t in my makeup. I know who I want to be in my children’s eyes but I am not that person. I know who I want them to be but don’t know how to get them there.
And yet despite the illnesses I can not cure, the tears that will come, the “winging” it with the parental stuff, and the flawed human mom that I am, I am grateful to God that He would trust Chad and me with these two precious lives. Thank you for showing me all that comes with love.
I was about to log off of Blogger: Dashboard after catching up on all the bloggers I stalk...er, love... when I saw this post pop up.
ReplyDeleteI offer my reassurances as a fellow flawed human mom that you are on the right track, my dear. You are giving your children the most important gifts...yourself and your love. If I have learned NOTHING in the past 17 years of winging it with my own child, I have learned this one true and vital thing. Love 'em. Love 'em when you hold, worry about, scold, teach, screw up, clean after, beam with pride, EVERYTHING. In the end, that's all they really want...and luckily, it's the easiest thing to give them.
Oh, MK, my dear sweet fallible friend. I cannot believe that these words have poured forth from you!
ReplyDeleteIf there is a more capable, competent, caring parent on the planet, I would invite you to bring that person to me to inspect. Because I would have to see it with my own eyes to believe that anyone out there is any better at this stuff than you.
I hold you in a category separate from the unwashed masses. You, my friend, fall into the top 10 nicest people I've ever met. And keep in mind, I sell stuff, so I've met a lot of people!
Your sense of spirituality, your values, your obvious love for home and hearth, and your ability to just be "good people" puts you in a league of your own.
People are drawn to you - witness, if you will, the Annual Thanksgiving bash. You have an insane ability to say exactly the right thing at the right time, and you bring a perspective to the party that may not be popular but more often than not is dead on.
All of these are qualities that are attractive to me as an adult, but are critical to your children. Think of what they will learn from you as they watch you balance your "jobs" as a wife, mom, employee, daughter, and friend.
My point here is (and I guess it's about time I get around to it) that there are plenty of things out there we can't do. Solve world hunger, bring peace to fighting nations, soothe a fevered child. But what we can do, we should do. And sister, you CAN do alot.
Don't beat yourself up over what you can't fix. Celebrate instead what you can. If you are able to take these pliable little beings and fashion them after yourself, our world will be a much better place because of it.
As a parent for only five years, I don't have all the answers. But I know a good strong family when I see one, and yours is definitely one of them.
That's no accident.
Hugs,
Lady Steele
And in the end, they will love you because you are their Mom. The the same amazing, God-blessed way that you love them because they are yours. No one else can say either of those things. That's the advice I give new moms - you won't do everything by the book (or to your mother's satisfaction) but your children will love you because you are THEIR MOM.
ReplyDelete