I'm Just a Girl in the World

This blog post actually started a little while ago in my head when Chad and I loaded up the kids to go on a road trip to South Arlington (hey it is far for us!) and I got in the passenger side and he on the driver’s side. There was no talk of who was going to drive, no compromise of you drive now and I’ll drive home, we both assumed Chad would drive.

The entry further formed last night as the kids and I were in the closet under the stairs and Chad was standing about two feet outside the closet watching the TV radar. Chad had been pacing back and forth – going outside to look at clouds – getting the weather radio out – pulling out the vacuum and extra folding chairs we keep in the closet to make room for his family. He had the computer radar going, the TV on, and his iPhone radar. I on the other hand was sitting on the couch looking at a book with Z and Ry. Looking up at the weather occasionally and asking Chad if he wanted us to go in the closet. I waited for his signal and then shepherded the kids into the closet. In the closet, the kids watched a TV episode on the computer and I pondered our situation.

It seemed funny to me that I was so passive in this situation. I am not one to keep my mouth shut about my opinions or suggestions with Chad. However at this time I relied solely on his guidance – he’ll tell us when to go in and he’ll tell us when we can get out of the closet. While Chad does have a fascination with weather, I assure you his meteorological skills are not really that much more advanced than my own. So why did I rely on him to be the decision maker in this situation? I tried to let the idea of traditional sex roles pass with no stopping in my brain but it did stop and fester.

I feel the need to back track a little here to address my personal take on traditional sex roles. My parents tried to be as neutral as possible when raising me – I had my own set of Tonka Trucks and Jamey had a Mikey doll – and no dream or want was off limits based on the fact that I was female. Sports were very encouraged and college was expected as was being a self sufficient adult.

In the PC world of higher education, I was more active and vocal about my opinions on equal rights for everyone regardless of sex, origin, sexual orientation, color, or favorite ice cream flavor. I was passionate and belonged to every college diversity committee possible – Human Rights Month committee, Black History Month Committee, Women’s History Month Committee, etc. I had a different ribbon on every month.

Moving to Lubbock was a shock to my system in the sense that I found a lot more women that were more passive about their abilities and plans. Sexism seemed to be more rampant in Lubbock than Columbia. Which stunned me at the time…I was a tad self righteous but isn’t that the job of a college student? To be so sure that you are right and you can change the world into realizing that your way is the absolute best way?

My graduate thesis was born out of my love for sports and my love for equality. I was horrified that soccer was not a legitimate sport or opportunity for girls past the age of ten in the eyes of the community. That led to a year long study to find that people in Lubbock believe boys should play football and girls should not. Surprised? I didn’t think so. It is funny to me now being nearly 15 years older and how black and white I viewed things.

TANGENT ALERT: I did want to educate those of you that read this blog. Sex is objective (insert joke here!) - either/or - male or female. Gender is subjective and falls on a continuum of masculine and feminine. Your sex can be male but your gender feminine. Drives me crazy with every form I fill out that asks what gender I am when they really want to know what sex I am. OK OK – maybe in Webster’s they’ll tell you that gender and sex are interchangeable words but with a year of researching the topic I stand by my definitions and differentiations.

Fast forward to present time. I am still a firm believer in avoiding sex roles. That will not change with my son or daughter. I don’t want them to find limits in what they do or where they go based on sex. But as I ponder how I have left Chad with the decisions on what to do in this weather situation, I begin to think that I have let down my college self. I do not feel like an independent woman – I feel like I have left the safety and security of my family completely in the hands of Chad. Not that he can’t handle it – he can – but shouldn’t that be the responsibility of both of us. Not me passively waiting on instructions. Why is it Chad’s role? Is it because he is the man of the house?

What do I rely on Chad for?
- Fixing broken things – toasters, chairs, fence
- Smoke detector maintenance
- Building – IKEA stuff, kids’ swing set
- Changing high light bulbs
- Taking charge in emergency or tense situations

What does Chad rely on me for?
- What to do when the kids are sick – how much medicine, which medicine, when to go to the doctor
- Taking care of birthday cards, parties, gifts
- Calendar maintenance – appointments, school functions, social gatherings
- Kid wardrobe – purchasing new items, outfit choices

I am intrigued as to what lines these tasks were subconsciously split. What is important to know when comparing these lists that they were not discussed. Chad and I have assumed these responsibilities without even having a conversation about it. I mean there are things that I do – laundry – and that he does – pay bills, lawn care – but these are tasks we divided up over ten years ago. We actually made a list of chores and responsibilities and divvied them up. The items outlined above? It just happened.

I believe some of this task assignments are based on skill – Chad is incredibly handy and is a natural problem solver and I have a weird memory that lets dates and people stick forever in my brain (I can tell you the birthdays of my 8th grade class – very bizarre I know) and the duty simply fell to the person that handles it best.

But what about the others? I have no training in the medical field. Chad did not take one class in high risk management. Those fall suspiciously close to sex roles.

And the driving thing. That bugs me – not that I have any high need to drive because I am AOK being the passenger but the fact that I assume I am the passenger is annoying. Is it because we always take Chad’s car?

In the end does it matter? Are we setting some sort of example for my kids about sex roles? I am thinking I am setting a bad example for my kids on far worse things and I do not have the time or energy to worry about these. Or is this how it gets passed down to the next generation? Being passive.

The college idealistic egotistical savior of the world woman in me is screaming in my brain to switch it up – don’t fall into a sexist pattern – don’t teach your kids that it’s ok. But her scream is no longer a roar – more of a faint call drowned out by the mature (hee hee) happy woman’s song that found compromise to make her marriage work and her life flow. While I may have been kicked out of Gloria Steinem’s club, I still have hope for equality and fully supportive of freedom for all regardless of sex or gender.

All of this said by the woman who’s son says you can’t have a pink light saber because it is too girly and Star Wars isn’t for girls and a daughter who won’t go anywhere without a pink tutu and a hair bow. College MK never stood a chance.