Crossroads

So I am at one of those points that I am sure will either damage my son forever or teach him how to push past the fear and grow as a person.

Z took swim lessons all summer long - every Wednesday. He did very well - in fact the teacher recommended he move up a level midway through. He volunteered for everything - to go first, to jump in the pool, to be the demonstration - and he looked forward to swim lessons.

Then something happened. The second to last lesson his dream came true. The teacher said he could go down the slide after class. Well he came down quicker than she anticipated and she didn't catch him. After class he told me he would not be doing the slide again. Then after his final class, he told me that he didn't like swim lessons and didn't want to come back anymore. I told him that he started his new class the next week and he said that he wouldn't be going underwater. So I asked him to wait and see what the new teacher was like.

The next Wed was his first class of the advanced beginners with the new teacher. He seemed happy and excited. I went and took my post in the viewing deck and when it was his turn, he started to cry. Not a hollering bawling tantrum cry but a scared, weepy, trying to fight through it cry. For 30 minutes, I watched my son on his turns cling to his swim teacher with a death grip and cry while trying to swim. When it wasn't his turn, he would hop out of the pool and stand and cry. I think my heart broke in a way it has never broken before that day.

I met with the teacher afterwards and she said he can swim. He held on to her but he was doing everything else on his own. She said its nerves and he'll get over it. As I held him shivering in his towel, with his poor sad face, he looked at me and said "Mom, I cried." I told him that it was ok -- I had no clue what else to say in that moment.

Week 2: Z is changing for swim lessons, we are at the pool, and he says he doesn't want to go. I asked him why this time and he says that he doesn't want her, the teacher, to let go of him. I tell him that he needs to talk with his teacher, explain that he is scared, and why he is scared, and she will help. He stops getting ready and looks at me - with that sad face -- and says "Mom I really do not want to go. I am very scared." He again is not pitching a fit or throwing a tantrum. He is genuinely scared.

I am not proud but I resort to a bribe. Please don't roll your eyes at this but I was at a loss. I can't think that quickly. I tell him he can pick out a cookie after swim lessons. I remind him to talk with his teacher and tell her what he is feeling.

So fewer tears this lesson but much much clinging. You can't really swim holding on to someone.

At the end of the lesson, he tells his teacher and everyone -- I get a cookie! So now the world knows I have bribed my son. I am so embarrassed. But strangely proud that Z fought through the fear. But he fought for a cookie. What have I done?!

After he has changed and dried off, we go to pick out the cookie. Before he takes a bite, I tell him that he is getting this cookie because even though he was scared, he tried his best anyway. I made him repeat it to me and tell his dad later why he got the cookie. Because although he was scared, he tried and did his best.

That was last week. He told me yesterday he really does not like swim lessons and doesn't want to go anymore. He has some private swim time with his teacher tonight to help his comfort level before class tomorrow but he is so apprehensive.

So here is my crossroads. If after this private lesson he is still scared, do I make him go? Does it make him a better person to "fight through the fear" at the age of four? Does it keep him from being a quitter later in life and not giving up when there are challenges? Or does it perpetuate a fear of water? Does it take him two months back before all the progress ? Does he resent me for forcing something that can wait six months to readdress?

It is not like he asked to participate in swim lessons. If he had made the commitment and he didn't want to finish because he was bored then my answer is more clear -- he finishes. But this is not that situation. He shook in fear. He cried tears in fear.

I don't want to be "wussy" mom. I don't want to be "bribe my child" mom. My gut says stick it out - he'll work it out over the next few lessons and honestly that is probably what we will do. But this situation brought to light a bigger drama. How do you know when to push and how do you know when to let your child sit it out? How do you know when he will grow from the experience or when he will be scarred by it? It gives me a headache. It gives me a heartache...I can't make the wrong decision.

Oh well - here is hoping that the private lesson works and that Z will once again enjoy going to swim lessons. Otherwise, I may just keep a stash of Oreos in his swim bag.