More &!@* My Five Year Old Says

These are three phrases Z has uttered recently:

1. “There sure are a lot of hos on the moon.”
2. “The scariest thing EVER on earth is Mommies!”
3. “Does Dad go party in the middle of the night?”

These three statements made me laugh out loud (he doesn’t like when I do that) and have to dig for clarification. While I feel compelled to explain the context of each comment, I feel it really takes the magic out of them. So if you want to just have the giggle – go back and read them again and stop after #3. If you are looking for the story behind them, keep reading but I warn you they are not as funny with the explanation.

1. Zachary has quite a fascination with space – he can name all of the planets (acknowledges Pluto but he does clarify it is actually a dwarf planet), he know comets, and galaxies, on and on. He has a very cool space book with fold out pages and real pictures. During dinner, Z was “learning” us about space and throws out the statement “There sure are a lot of hos on the moon”. I make my confused face – “Hos? On the moon?” He says “Yes, my book has pictures. There are hos everywhere!” In my mind I am picturing cheap prostitutes leaning on moon rocks, smoking cigarettes and wearing clear platform heels. I am visualizing thousands chatting amongst themselves and I laugh VERY loudly at my own twisted vision. Zachary calls me out of my reverie and asking what is so funny. I told him I wasn’t sure what he meant by hos on the moon and he gets his book to show me the craters on the moon. Indeed there sure are a lot of HOLES on the moon.

2. This next moment happened in the car coming from school turning from Preston onto Gaylord – the location is not relevant in the least it is just that for some reason I remember exactly where I was when this conversation took place. We were talking about things that are scary – spiders, snakes, places where there are spiders and snakes. (side note: he recently has quite a fear of spiders and snakes) He then asks me “Do you know what the most scariest thing is? More scarier than snakes and spiders?” I tell him I have no idea and he informs me “The scariest thing EVER on earth is Mommies!” I absolutely snort with laughter – and say “Yes Z, some times we Mommies are VERY scary.” His response was “I know! I know! Especially the ones with white tape.” I stopped laughing. Do what???? White tape? Hindsight is 20/20 and I realize now it was obvious but it took me a couple of minutes to catch on to what he meant. Light bulb goes off as we wait at a red light – “oh honey you mean MUMMIES!” I giggle. And he gives me that “duh” look and says just like a kid from The Goonies “That’s what I said – Mommies”.

3. We recently were on vacation in South Padre island staying in a condo owned by Chad’s company. We were getting ready one morning and Z comes in to the bathroom and asks me “Does Dad go party in the middle of the night?” Followed by my laughter. Again with my soooo wrong visions – Chad sneaking out in the middle of the night to go party with the teenagers on the beach or go drink beer by the pool with the bachelor party boys also staying in the complex. I tell him no that Daddy does not go party at night. He then says “well are you partying in the middle of the night?” I tell him I am way too tired to party at night. He then says more to himself “I wonder who is partying in the middle of the night?” I am trying to think of what is he hearing that makes him think there is a party or that we are go to a party in the middle of the night. Only one night was there lots of noise coming from the pool until about 1:00 am. As Zachary wraps up his getting ready process, going to the bathroom, washing hands, etc, he turns to me with much more seriousness than a five year old should have and said “Mom, we need to figure out who is partying at night.” I ask why and if they are disturbing him. He gives me that look that indicates he thinks I am totally crazy and says “No, but we need to tell them to flush because it is gross to leave it sitting in there.”

I love the &!@* Zachary says.

&!@* My Five Year Old Says

As I buckled Z in his car seat after school yesterday, a small sliver of gold shiny-ness in his nose caught my attention. I mentioned to Zachary that he had something in his nose and he responded:

"Yeah -- it's glitter. From the duck."

A Punny RePost

I am stealing one of my status updates from Facebook because I am being snotty and irrational. Zachary is the KING of unintentional puns and each one he drops makes me laugh out loud. I learned this appreciation for word play from Andrew who is the KING of intentional puns.

I have also read that if you have to point out a pun then the pun loses it punch and humor. I am notorious for putting a "(HA!)" after my puns which to pure pun appreciators really does detract from its funny / clever appeal.

So last Thursday Zachary had a beautiful pun moment and I was dying to share his inadvertent cleverness. So what do I do??? I post it on Facebook and I avoid putting my standard (HA!) after it to keep the pun true.

The comments that were posted in response were more about his actions and naptime stories rather than the hilarity of his pun causing my irrational witchy unnecessary indignance. Instead of appreciating the sweet remarks friends and family made I am stomping my foot saying but isn't his PUN funny??? I think my attitude takes more away from the pun than if I had put a little (HA!) next to it. Or perhaps it is not nearly as funny as I, Zachary's biased mom, think:

This is for Uncle Andrew -- Tonight at Kindergarten Orientation we learned that they do not take naps. Zachary stands up and throws his fist in the air and says "YES! I am so tired of naps!"

No -- it is definitely funny. So I will make light of the situation and let those that don't catch his word play stay in the dark and let those that enjoy his unintentional cleverness enjoy the brilliance. (HA!)

Mommy Math

Zachary says to me tonight "Mom I love you so much" and I respond with a "Zachary I love you so much there is no number high enough to count how much I love you."

He laughed and said "How much Mom - like a hundred?" and I told him "more like a million times a million times a million billion gazillion."

He stopped laughing and made his serious face to say "that is definitely more than a hundred."

Ok Maybe Not but There are Sprinkles!

Zachary loves the cookies that you buy from the store – you know the ones that are the sugar cookies with the bright frosting and sprinkles. We were down to one and I told him I would put it in a baggie and save it for him. He worried constantly that someone else would eat it.

So tonight after eating a very good dinner, finishing his homework in record time, and completely picking up all his toys AND his sister’s toys I told that I thought he should get his cookie and sit down to eat with Chad who had just gotten home and was eating dinner.

Zachary said that he thought that maybe Daddy would want the cookie. I was stunned – I mean he LOVES these cookies and he had been panicking that someone would eat it. I thought it was so “sweet” (HA!) that Z was offering this prize cookie to his hard working Dad.

I think Chad was also taken aback. He told Z that it was such a generous offer but that cookie really had Zachary’s name on it.

Zachary said oh ok and went to the pantry retrieved the cookie and came back. He stared at it for a while and then told Chad "Daddy I don’t think they put my name on it."

Raising Couch Potatoes

I read somewhere (I am thinking Newsweek) that we shouldn’t give today’s parents such a hard time about letting the TV babysit their children. The writer said that while growing up his mother made him go outside all day long to play unsupervised in the neighborhood. Essentially she was letting the outside babysit him. The writer continued by commenting no parent these days will say “Go run around the outside all day without any supervision” because of the ugly things that exist today.

I do remember living in NJ and mom letting me run around outside without her. My only real rule was I had to stay within the col-de-sac. We moved when I was five so I was younger than Z when I ran around with my friends.

I also know I had tons of freedom in Broken Arrow – riding bikes, running from friend’s house to friend’s house, going to the pool – all with out supervision.

To summarize, according to the writer parents of the good old days were just as guilty as us parents of the here and now about letting their children be “babysat” while the parental units try to get something done around the house.

Do you think they felt as guilty?

Well, She Does Speak the Truth

This story is long overdue for documentation. Back in December, Rylee was just starting to make sounds like she was talking. She could say MaMa but it wasn’t necessarily in reference to me but to almost anything. One “word” that she said in reference to herself was money.

Now I am not sure if she was saying some sort of “mine” or “mommy” or what but it came out money. If you picked up her toy it was MONEY at the top of her lungs or if she wanted a snack moneymoneymoney. Anyway, we were amused by our daughter’s choice of words.

For Christmas, we went to the afternoon mass (during the blizzard I must mention!) and because it was Christmas we were in the overflow in the gym. We were sitting in bleachers and I was struggling to pay attention because I was trying to make sure Rylee didn’t plummet down the concrete steps. However, I did try to listen to the homily.

Fr. Jim talked about a Mexican Tradition of acting out what the Holy Family had to go through right before Jesus was born trying to find a place to stay. The tradition is called Las Posadas. The participants knock on doors and are refused a place to stay. Fr. Jim then tries to bring it home to us saying “what will the answer be when Jesus knocks on our hearts? What do you think Jesus will hear when He knocks on the doors of Hollywood? What do you think Jesus will hear when He knocks on the doors of Wall Street?”

It is at this moment that my darling daughter decides to answer Fr. Jim yelling like the 17 month old she is:

She responds “NO MONEY!”

Good thing Fr. Jim, the congregation at Prince of Peace, and God have a sense of humor.